“Remember those that matter”
February 3, 2008That’s what I wrote on my mirror in my room at the beginning of the year. I’m not sure what made me think this or what compelled me to write it down. It could have been that I knew I was going to need it, because I saw it yesterday and today it hit me. “Duh, self. What are you thinking?” There are people in my life that matter to me more than anything. I have to keep that in mind and make sure that I do everything in my power not to hurt them because they don’t deserve to be hurt. I haven’t been doing a very good job at that.
If any of the people that I care about — the people that matter — were to know what I did, they would be astonished, dissappointed…I’m afraid they would change the way they felt about me and end up cutting me off. I wouldn’t be able to live like that, without my best friend, without the boy I love. It just doesn’t make sense that I’m putting all of that in jeopardy.
He told me “What matters is how you feel when you’re alone.” I didn’t think I would be able to be alone and know how I feel without being influenced by people around me. But today I was able to do that. I was alone, or at least away from the influences, and it made sense. I remembered the words on my mirror and I knew how I truly felt.
This isn’t a good thing, this thing we’re doing. It can only get worse if we don’t do something about it. I’m not sure how to stop, or if I can stop. And then I don’t know if it will be awkward or not. If it’s awkward, I think I’ll have to kill myself. That is one of the last things I want (next to hurting the ones that matter). This is going to be one of the the hardest things to figure out.
Now here’s the stinger: is this new person starting to become one of those people that matter? I don’t know. All I know is that the smell is fading. The taste is fading. The feeling of his touch is fading, and I’m okay with that.
